dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
