I can't breathe out the right side of my face
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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