i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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