I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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