**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
