I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
