He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
