Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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