running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Send help, water and tortillas.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
