ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
