Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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