We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
