Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
