this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
