fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
