I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
