I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
