I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
