two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
