I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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