she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
