you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
