I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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