Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
