Can i not drive my cunt home
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
