This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
