You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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