My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
