in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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