Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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