I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
