Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
