if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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