I cannot find my penis.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize