I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
