he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You've changed since you got that strap on
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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