Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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