We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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