Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
