hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize