sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
