We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
