so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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