Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You know, be my cock's hype man.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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