That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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