I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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