If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
