What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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