He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
