there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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