You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
