I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
