pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
