Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
