proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
