I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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