I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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