yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize