I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
that is very illegal...i love you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
