you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
