Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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