Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My life is pants optional.
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