so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
