There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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