Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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