y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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