Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
