he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
