i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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